“The Pet Trick Auditions”
Although I have never stayed
up to watch his show, I have heard about the pet tricks and the "Stupid
Human Tricks" that are featured on the David Letterman Show. And now I
can say that I have seen some of them in person.
A former employee of the Letterman Show moved to Memphis, where she is working as a reporter for a local TV station. She is also freelancing as a talent scout for the Letterman Show.
The first audition that she held was for the "Stupid Human Tricks", and it was held at a shopping mall in Memphis. I saw a TV news story about it, and I'm happy that I was not there in person; it was embarrassing enough just watching these stupid humans on TV.
Then she held an audition at the Nashville Humane Association for pet tricks. Since Crystal is the Kennel Manager, we thought it would be a good idea for us to be there. What we got to see was an interesting slice of the American pie.
The first pet to audition was a well trained dog that knew numerous tricks, but the owner couldn't remember what they were. She repeatedly said "Um, wait... he knows other tricks. Oh gosh, what are they?" Unluckily for the dog, he wasn't talented enough to cue the stupid human.
Then we got to meet Dixie, the poodle that "does tricks for peanuts." She was supposed to jump through a hulla-hoop, but every time the owner held up the hulla-hoop, Dixie tried to run away. The owner promised us that the dog really could jump through a hulla-hoop, and added "I guess she just has stage fright." However, the dog did eat peanuts. "Next!"
Those that followed included a dog that swings from a rope, a cat that shakes hands, and a pony that counts people. We were also inundated with a number of people who claimed that their dogs could actually sing, but all we heard were off-key humans and dogs baying at their terrible singing. One man showed up without his dog; instead he brought us a CD of his dog singing along to Hank Williams songs. "Next!"
So this guy walks into the animal shelter with a ladder, a laptop, and a Border Collie. No, this isn't the opening line for a joke... it really happened. Wearing a plastic fireman's hat, the dog climbed the ladder and 'rescued' the stuffed animal that was at the top of the ladder. The owner then used his laptop computer to show us a movie of the dog climbing a tree to rescue a Bill Clinton doll... but we didn't hold that against the dog.
The real excitement was when a child told us that her dog would chase the stuffed toy that was attached to her fishing pole. No, the trick wasn't exciting. The exciting part was watching the kid cast the stuffed animal, narrowly missing a spinning ceiling fan, and then trying to pull it loose after it became tangled around one of the florescent lights. Now that will get your heart pumping!
One woman showed up with two rats, and something that looked like an oversized fish tank that had tiny hoops at each end. The rats then ran back and forth, dropping a tiny ball through the tiny hoops in exchange for Rice Krispies. Everybody thought it was cute, but all I could think about was this woman spending her evenings teaching two rats to do this. I guess everybody needs a hobby.
Another woman said that she had never done this trick outside of her bathroom... then she filled her mouth with water and spit it out... and her dogs took turns catching the water in their mouths. I guess some people need a hobby more than others.
And we spent our evening; watching humans and animals chasing, baying, spitting, or doing nothing. Okay... maybe we're the ones who need a hobby.
© 2002 Douglas Shaw.A former employee of the Letterman Show moved to Memphis, where she is working as a reporter for a local TV station. She is also freelancing as a talent scout for the Letterman Show.
The first audition that she held was for the "Stupid Human Tricks", and it was held at a shopping mall in Memphis. I saw a TV news story about it, and I'm happy that I was not there in person; it was embarrassing enough just watching these stupid humans on TV.
Then she held an audition at the Nashville Humane Association for pet tricks. Since Crystal is the Kennel Manager, we thought it would be a good idea for us to be there. What we got to see was an interesting slice of the American pie.
The first pet to audition was a well trained dog that knew numerous tricks, but the owner couldn't remember what they were. She repeatedly said "Um, wait... he knows other tricks. Oh gosh, what are they?" Unluckily for the dog, he wasn't talented enough to cue the stupid human.
Then we got to meet Dixie, the poodle that "does tricks for peanuts." She was supposed to jump through a hulla-hoop, but every time the owner held up the hulla-hoop, Dixie tried to run away. The owner promised us that the dog really could jump through a hulla-hoop, and added "I guess she just has stage fright." However, the dog did eat peanuts. "Next!"
Those that followed included a dog that swings from a rope, a cat that shakes hands, and a pony that counts people. We were also inundated with a number of people who claimed that their dogs could actually sing, but all we heard were off-key humans and dogs baying at their terrible singing. One man showed up without his dog; instead he brought us a CD of his dog singing along to Hank Williams songs. "Next!"
So this guy walks into the animal shelter with a ladder, a laptop, and a Border Collie. No, this isn't the opening line for a joke... it really happened. Wearing a plastic fireman's hat, the dog climbed the ladder and 'rescued' the stuffed animal that was at the top of the ladder. The owner then used his laptop computer to show us a movie of the dog climbing a tree to rescue a Bill Clinton doll... but we didn't hold that against the dog.
The real excitement was when a child told us that her dog would chase the stuffed toy that was attached to her fishing pole. No, the trick wasn't exciting. The exciting part was watching the kid cast the stuffed animal, narrowly missing a spinning ceiling fan, and then trying to pull it loose after it became tangled around one of the florescent lights. Now that will get your heart pumping!
One woman showed up with two rats, and something that looked like an oversized fish tank that had tiny hoops at each end. The rats then ran back and forth, dropping a tiny ball through the tiny hoops in exchange for Rice Krispies. Everybody thought it was cute, but all I could think about was this woman spending her evenings teaching two rats to do this. I guess everybody needs a hobby.
Another woman said that she had never done this trick outside of her bathroom... then she filled her mouth with water and spit it out... and her dogs took turns catching the water in their mouths. I guess some people need a hobby more than others.
And we spent our evening; watching humans and animals chasing, baying, spitting, or doing nothing. Okay... maybe we're the ones who need a hobby.
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