“Road Rage: Syndrome or Symptom?”
I miss many of the unique
characters
who me met in Missouri. Let's face facts: city folk aren't funny.
However,
I have found that they are an interesting sub-species, and I continue
to
study them.
To say that they walk erect is inaccurate, as they never walk. I always take the stairs from the parking garage to our office on the 5th floor, and it is generally like walking in a very tall cemetery vault. I will occasionally catch a glimpse of another human on the stairs, but that's usually because the elevators are so busy (and the people are so desperate) that they will actually ascend 22 steps to the next floor.
These creatures tend to ambulate via cars or trucks, preferably ones with a price tag in excess of $35,000. Yes, I work in the land of Beemers. As I watch them drive by... attractive people in attractive vehicles... I have to wonder: Why do they look so upset? They have all of the looks, all of the money, and a real nice car. All I can figure is that the interior of a BMW must cause pain. This theory is supported by the fact that the drivers are always in a hurry to get somewhere, park, and get out of the car.
Although lacking in motor skills, they have developed interesting motoring skills, plus specialized techniques for circumventing slow moving traffic. For instance, if both west-bound lanes of Harding Place are creeping along at 10 mph, the Beemer Creatures merely pull into the turning lane, and drive along with their left turn signal on. After traveling over a quarter of a mile in the turning lane, they turn on their right turn signal, and force their way back into the traffic. This causes me to contemplate: Why is it illegal to fire a gun into a moving vehicle?
However, I found a weapon that is less illegal and more formidable: a 5,000 pound Ford with Missouri plates. We didn't purchased our Tennessee plates right away for various reasons, but we have since refrained because they are the best excuse for cutting off Beemers. I quickly turn my head from side to side (with a confused look on my face) while changing lanes. The fear factor causes them to stop, and the license plate causes them to show pity on "the poor Missouri hay-seed who is lost in the big city."
Other strange transit habits of these city dwellers include performing their morning routines while driving. Although I have never seen anybody taking a bath while driving, I have seen fellow motorists typing on laptops with both hands, reading the paper while it is hanging over the steering wheel, and one man who was eating breakfast. No, I don't mean fast-food; this man actually had a plate in his lap, and was eating eggs over-easy with a fork. I wondered: How many stab wounds does he receive from sudden stops, and when will he learn?
Without a doubt, though, the most dangerous drivers are the ones who have evolved to the point where they can hold small objects with one hand... like a cell phone. If these people can not merge into traffic, they merely drive down the shoulder of the highway without missing a call. They are the reason that I added more horns to the truck, which now sounds like the brass section for a mariachi band. But these somewhat advanced primates seem incapable of hearing anything that is not being held against their ear, because they continue to try to merge under my right front fender.
The only city folk who do not drive like extras from The Road Warrior are the ones who drive the biggest vehicles; the yuppies in the gigantic SUVs. Instead, they mince along, petrified by the thought that their "baby" might get scratched.
Okay, so maybe city folk are funny... if you know what I mean.
© 2002 Douglas Shaw.To say that they walk erect is inaccurate, as they never walk. I always take the stairs from the parking garage to our office on the 5th floor, and it is generally like walking in a very tall cemetery vault. I will occasionally catch a glimpse of another human on the stairs, but that's usually because the elevators are so busy (and the people are so desperate) that they will actually ascend 22 steps to the next floor.
These creatures tend to ambulate via cars or trucks, preferably ones with a price tag in excess of $35,000. Yes, I work in the land of Beemers. As I watch them drive by... attractive people in attractive vehicles... I have to wonder: Why do they look so upset? They have all of the looks, all of the money, and a real nice car. All I can figure is that the interior of a BMW must cause pain. This theory is supported by the fact that the drivers are always in a hurry to get somewhere, park, and get out of the car.
Although lacking in motor skills, they have developed interesting motoring skills, plus specialized techniques for circumventing slow moving traffic. For instance, if both west-bound lanes of Harding Place are creeping along at 10 mph, the Beemer Creatures merely pull into the turning lane, and drive along with their left turn signal on. After traveling over a quarter of a mile in the turning lane, they turn on their right turn signal, and force their way back into the traffic. This causes me to contemplate: Why is it illegal to fire a gun into a moving vehicle?
However, I found a weapon that is less illegal and more formidable: a 5,000 pound Ford with Missouri plates. We didn't purchased our Tennessee plates right away for various reasons, but we have since refrained because they are the best excuse for cutting off Beemers. I quickly turn my head from side to side (with a confused look on my face) while changing lanes. The fear factor causes them to stop, and the license plate causes them to show pity on "the poor Missouri hay-seed who is lost in the big city."
Other strange transit habits of these city dwellers include performing their morning routines while driving. Although I have never seen anybody taking a bath while driving, I have seen fellow motorists typing on laptops with both hands, reading the paper while it is hanging over the steering wheel, and one man who was eating breakfast. No, I don't mean fast-food; this man actually had a plate in his lap, and was eating eggs over-easy with a fork. I wondered: How many stab wounds does he receive from sudden stops, and when will he learn?
Without a doubt, though, the most dangerous drivers are the ones who have evolved to the point where they can hold small objects with one hand... like a cell phone. If these people can not merge into traffic, they merely drive down the shoulder of the highway without missing a call. They are the reason that I added more horns to the truck, which now sounds like the brass section for a mariachi band. But these somewhat advanced primates seem incapable of hearing anything that is not being held against their ear, because they continue to try to merge under my right front fender.
The only city folk who do not drive like extras from The Road Warrior are the ones who drive the biggest vehicles; the yuppies in the gigantic SUVs. Instead, they mince along, petrified by the thought that their "baby" might get scratched.
Okay, so maybe city folk are funny... if you know what I mean.
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